KEEP BF OR DATE HIS FRIEND?

Dear Jellybean,

So my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We're still in high school, so some would say we're too serious for our own good. Anyway, about two years ago we got in a fight because he thought I was flirting with one of his best friends, which I kind of was, and he told me that his friend liked me. I wasn't sure of my feelings for the guy, so I told my boyfriend that I didn't like him. He told me that his friend is a dick to everyone, unless he likes a girl, and then he's nice to them. He's never been mean to me, so I think he does like me, and now I think I like him. I love my boyfriend, but he's been my only real boyfriend ever, and I kind of want to explore my options, but I know I could stay with him for a very long time. We're going away to college next year, and if I decide to go to the same school, his best friend will be there too. I don't know what to do, since I'm not 100% sure his friend would date me, and I really don't want to hurt my guy. What do you think?
-Confused

Dear Confused,

I think you're trying to figure out a safe way to explore your options, without really taking any chances. Your boyfriend's friend seems attractive to you, because you know of his attraction for you. But is he really the type of guy who could make you happy? It sounds to me like after 3 years of being in a couple, you're curious about dating somebody else, but you're used to being in a safe and comfy situation, so you're just reaching for the next-most comfy guy.

You need to analyze your feelings, and figure out whether you're just bored, or if your relationship is no longer meeting your needs. If it's just a bit of 3-year boredom, there are things you can do to spice up your relationship, such as learning something new together, or just changing up what you usually do on dates.

Three years is an awfully long time to be with someone at your age, though, and it's possible that you need to date other people, if only to see if what you've got is the real thing, or if it was just a high school thing. You say that you love your boyfriend, but there's a difference between being used to someone and comfy in your habits, and truly loving a person in a mature way.

The difference can be hard to figure out - but you can ask yourself a few questions. What do you love about your boyfriend - is it his surface qualities (his looks, popularity, taste in music, etc.) or deeper things (his kindness, humor, loyalty)? Would you still want to be with him if there was no physical activity between you? (In other words, do you love the inner him, or just his bod?) Do you two need friends around to have fun? Can you be totally honest and open with him? Does he share/respect your deepest values and beliefs? Do you both give as much as you take in the relationship? Thinking about these questions can give you a clue to whether your love is the real thing, or if it's built on shaky ground.

My advice to you is, figure out what you and your boyfriend are going to do about your relationship, leaving out any questions about his friend. You can't count on that guy anyway - you could decide to break up with your BF, and then his friend could meet some exciting new girl at college, and you'd be on the outs. Whether you decide to stay with your BF, separate for a while, or break up completely, you should make the decision based on that relationship alone. After you've figured that out - and it's a big one - you can decide what you're going to do next.

Finally, dating an ex's friend may seem like a good idea, since you already know the guy, but it usually doesn't work out. There's just too much history, and a relationship that starts out with guilty feelings is probably doomed.