BEING FRIENDS WITH EX

Dear Jellybean,

My boyfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago and I can proudly say I don't like him anymore, and I've gotten over it! But I still think he's a great guy and it would mean the whole entire world to me if we could be friends. However, we were not really friends before we started dating, and I left the relationship feeling like I didn't get to see much of his actual personality at all! I miss him as a genuine person and I have so much respect for him for being able to tell me that he was unhappy in the relationship. Though it hurt a lot, I appreciate his honesty. In his breakup speech, he told me we could be friends.

Now, in the two occasions I've seen him, he has completely ignored me. We've talked on the internet a little, but he's given me one word answers and acted really distanced. It hurt knowing that he lied to me when he said he wanted to be friends, but I am continuing to try and make some sort of friendship. I even sent him a small gift for Christmas! If I had to give up at trying to be friends with him, I'm afraid it may hurt me even more.

I only want friendship, but he's not even granting me that! Is it time to give up for good and just forget him? Or should I keep on trying to be friends, even if he doesn't show the favor in return? What should I do?

Sincerely,
One-Sided Friendship

Dear One-Sided Friendship,

It's time to give up. I know that you want to be friends with your ex, but try to understand how he might be feeling. He might have had very high hopes for your relationship, and when it didn't work out he must have been very disappointed. It can be really hard for a guy to see their ex and have to be around them, when all he wants to do is get over the experience and move on. Seeing you and talking to you makes that harder for him. Besides, if you keep making a big effort to communicate now, he could get irritated that you're trying harder now than when you two were going out.

If I were you, I would cool things off. You've done so much already to build the friendship back up, even including sending gifts. You don't have to pretend he doesn't exist - you can still be friendly and smile when you see him, and maybe even send him an ecard on his birthday, But don't send him a ton of emails or IMs and expect him to respond. Stay cool. If and when he is ready to pick up the friendship again, you'll know it from his behavior.

This is not about you - it's about him. Maybe your ex is still bummed over your breakup, and he's acting distant to create space between you, so he can heal his wounds. If so, he probably still needs space (away from you) to recover and get over you (in the relationship way) for good.

You sound like a great girl, and if a friendship is in the cards between you and your ex, it will happen. But I think you've put more than enough effort into being friends with someone who - let's face it - is basically telling you to go away. So take the focus off this guy - and get back to enjoying the rest of your life!

Do happy stuff with girlfriends, get out and about, throw yourself into challenging new activities, and get yourself feeling great again. Of course, mope when you need to, but don't let yourself wallow in negative feelings. It's okay to keep hope for the future, but don't put your life on hold for it.