HE'S GETTING TOO SERIOUS

Dear Jellybean,

It all started out with my best friend, he is 4 years older than me, and then we started to like each other and became a couple. He spoke to my parents and everything. I was ok with it at first, but then he started telling me he loved me and that he would some day marry me, that’s when I freaked!!! I’m only 14 I want to experience more, have other boyfriends. I am not planning on spending the rest of my life with him. Don’t take me wrong I do like him a lot and enjoy his company, but how could I tell him to lay of with out hurting his feelings?
Thank you for your help,
Beca

Dear Beca,

Wow - that's a bit freaky. This guy is trying to make you commit to be pre-engaged to him, and you haven't even hit your mid-teens? It seems a little desperate on his part. And to be honest, a bit creepy too, especially since you obviously aren't feeling as passionate about tying your future to him, as he is.

You do need to tell this guy to lay off, but I am a bit concerned about your safety. A man (at age 18, your boyfriend is technically a man, not a boy) who is so intense about a young girl, might have some control issues. I'm sure he's a great guy, but the way he's acted with you so far suggests he might not take well to being told to back off.

My suggestion is, talk to your mom about your feelings first. Let her know that you're feeling too much pressure, and you'd like some help talking to him. Your mom can give you advice on what to say, or even talk to your boyfriend for you, if you want. And if you talk to him and things get weird, or he freaks out, your mom will know the background story, and be ready to jump in and support you.

Your mom might have good tips on how to let this guy down, or at least get him to lighten up. For my part, I might say, "I really like you, but I don't think I can handle a relationship right now, on top of my school and home responsibilities." (That's a good way to explain it to your parents, too). Tell your BF that you like him as a friend, and might want to date him in the future, but for now, you need to concentrate on managing your daily life, keeping your grades up, and spending time with other friends too.

I also suggest that you break this news to him at your house, when your parents are home. That way, if he has a reaction that makes you feel uncomfortable, you're a short distance away from your folks, who can step in and help you handle the situation.

There's no way to guarantee that his feelings won't be hurt - after all, you're telling him he can't have what he wants. But you have every right to live your own life, not just be dragged into the future with someone who has a plan for you. Speak up, be honest, say it nicely, but say it strongly. It's important to take charge of your own life, and put on the brakes when it's going down a path you're not comfortable with, or ready for. Good luck. And keep your parents informed along the way, because they can be great allies to you, in situations like this one.